Family and Friends??

It's around 10:30pm right now and I've been thinking about a few things this evening.  There are several things weighing on my mind and I'm upset, mad, sad, confused and exhausted.  First of all one of my dear friends with RA had yet another hip replacement surgery today.  She is only 35 years old, and I believe this is the 3rd surgery.  I've been thinking of her today and hoping the surgery went well.  I also hope that she can stay strong and positive through all of this.  Love you Michelle!

Another issue has come up with family again.  I cannot seem to get along with one side of my family no matter what we do.  We argue a lot about politics and religion and it has just become so tiresome.  I happened to post an innocent post on Facebook about a bit of history and my brother had to quickly become negative.  I constantly feel like I am under attack by either my brother or my dad.  I have many medical problems, my sister also has many medical problems.  We both struggle to get quality medical care in this country.  I went two years with no treatment for my Rheumatoid Arthritis.  My sister is in that 2 year waiting period to get Medicare.  I think she has another year to go before she receives it.  It was too expensive for her to actually get treatment at the County Hospital District.  And our own brother and father can't see this!  They very rarely offer any kind of help to either of us.  I rarely ask either, because then I feel like I owe them so much.  They never call initiate phone calls to us, I am usually the one to initiate any contact with them whatsoever.  What the hell happened to the family I used to have?  The great memories of love, security, closeness...  At this point right now, I don't even want contact with them.  That is a very strong and sad statement.  The only family I have is my sister, period.  I even feel closer to a few of my friends than I'll ever be with my "family."  Thank goodness for that, or I'd go crazy.

Another issue I have is financial.  I've never been a great saver, but ever since I closed my business, I worked a few years after that at another strenuous job,  then eventually had to go on disability.  Things have been very tough ever since then.  The money never lasts the entire month.  I basically have to sit at home almost every day because I cannot afford to go out or do anything.  I try to find free activities to do around town, but even then there is the cost of gasoline.  I went out one night this month and have no money left to do anything else.  I had to borrow money last month to go out for my birthday. I'm selling everything I own just to get by and maybe take a trip to see friends.  Christmas, peoples' birthdays and things of that nature, are so trying and emotionally straining because of this.  You feel so obligated to buy people gifts even if you can't afford them.  So sometimes instead of going, I don't attend these functions because I feel I will be looked down upon.  I can feel myself closing off from the world...

I am so torn up over all of this.  I know the troubles in my life are nothing compared to many of the things others face in this world of ours.  Right now what's going on in Egypt, other atrocities in Africa, Tibet, etc.  My issues seem so petty, but they are real to me.  I need to learn a way of not letting them bother me to such a degree, or allow them to control my emotions.  I read books on Buddhism and it really helps me to see that there is a way to do that.  I need to find a local Buddhist or Zen center and learn meditation.  I keep saying I'm going to do it, but something in life always gets in the way.  Volunteering is another way to let go of your own troubles and help someone else.

Well, how nice was it to find this quote from the Dalai Lama this morning:
 
"Feelings of anger and hatred arise from a mind that is troubled by dissatisfaction and discontent. So you can prepare to deal with such occasions by constantly working to build inner contentment and by cultivating kindness and compassion. This brings about a certain calmness of mind that can help prevent anger from arising in the first place."