"Out of chaos comes order"

Friedrich Nietzche~

Is this true, or vice versa?  My mind has been a whirlwind of chaos lately.  I can't stop it from spinning out of control.  I am overwhelmed with thoughts.  I am overwhelmed with life.  Feeling that, as just one person, I cannot and never will, make a difference in anything.  I look around and think that life is not what I thought it would be, I am not where I thought I'd be, and will it ever change, and does it even matter?  I hate falling into this dark place in my mind.

I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday, partly from pain, partly from fatigue, partly from indifference. Did it matter to anyone that I did nothing?  Did it matter to me?  Yes.  I feel like a sloth but the complexity of things I feel I should be doing causes chaos in my mind, and it hurts.  I look at the world and it's a mess.  I try to find the beauty in the world but it seems to become less and less each day.  People are less compassionate and are becoming even more so...  I am so disappointed in myself, people, the world.  We are destroying each other, killing the planet, scaring and hurting others out of religion, and I am just one lonely person in the midst of the chaos.

I feel overwhelmed by life in general.  From the trivial to the more important.  I try to make my own little part of the world pleasing to me.  I plant flowers for the pleasure of sight and scent, vegetables to grow eat and enjoy, and try to create a comfortable environment in my home.  Then I drive down the street and see all of the ugliness.  Litter on the sides of the road, the strip centers lining the roads, the confederate flag on the back of a truck, the smog in the air, and another driver cuts me off...

Here I am, as I write this, I enjoy the Sunday morning news shows.  Don't ask me why, it has become my routine.  Instead this morning it is the Indy 500.  This is how we memorialize Memorial weekend?  With masses of people watching cars driving around a track wasting fuel for the pure entertainment of a certain demographic of people.  Not to mention, most of them hoping for a crash to make the race more exciting. Every other channel is a different preacher promising happiness if you send your hard earned money to them.   Mind boggling...

I'm not sure what has brought all of this to my mind lately.  I think I am in the midst of chaos in my head for now.  I have a lack of understanding of what I am doing here, just one person out of billions, what should I be doing?  I never thought I would feel this tired and worn out at 46 years old.  The RA has torn me apart in the short 5 years I've endured the pain.  Five years is nothing compared to the others who have lived their entire lives with this terrible disease.  Does that make my pain less important?  I am part of a support group for people with RA but sometimes feel like I don't belong.  Why?  Because I have only been diagnosed five years ago, I haven't had any major surgeries, and I don't have the obvious deformities of joints that many people with RA live with on a daily basis.  So I feel like they look at me as if I should come back later when I have the battle scars of this disease.  I guess my scars are on the inside.  My life changed drastically with RA, and I'm angry about it.  I haven't had my whole life to adjust to the limitations, the pain, the constant mental drain on my psyche.

Right now, I am sad, angry, lost, estranged, and miserable, but I am hoping and searching for a way out of the chaos.  I am constantly looking for ways to improve my outlook on life.  Encouraging words from prominent people, meditation, and trying to shut out the negativity of others.  I hope I can find my way out, and my path to a happier place.  For now, I may read a bit, and sleep some more, think about things, and hopefully something will click or a door will open and I will crawl out of this spinning in my head...

Living life

Group photo of most of us!

Where to start?  I suppose I'll start with my trip to Tempe, AZ for the Arthritis Introspective annual Gathering.  This year I got there a day early to enjoy the sunshine and relax a bit before the festivities.  Brandy arrived a day early also.  It was my first time meeting her in person.  She is a blast to hang out with and a beautiful woman.  Michelle G was there early also, so we headed out for lunch and some prickly pear margaritas.  We may have had a few too many of those, but we had one hell of a time.  We chatted, laughed, shared stories and just enjoyed ourselves.  Unfortunately on the walk back to the hotel, I fell and skinned up my knee, hands and elbow pretty badly.  Note to self:  Do not wear new flip flops and drink alcohol...

Brandy, me, and Michelle G

The next day was Friday and we went to South Mountain, a state park, to go on a nature hike.  It's a beautiful park in the desert with interesting plants, birds, mountains, etc.  I was busy taking lots of photos when I dropped a piece of my camera equipment.  Well it rolled under the ranch fence off the trail.  I bent over the fence to pick it up, and bam the fence gave away and I fell again.  This time very humiliating with dirt and cactus burrs stuck to my clothes...  All in all it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed getting out and getting a bit of exercise.

That night was the Meet 'n Greet.  We had a good time meeting each other,  getting to know one another and enjoying the catered food!  Then we hit the hotel bar and things got a little louder as the night went on! Singing, jokes, making friends, lots of fun, arm wrestling and crazy pictures!

We started our classes on Saturday.  We also had a class with support system leaders, the founders, and people interested in starting support systems.  It was a great meeting and inspired me very much to get busy starting my group here in Houston.  Also a surprise, next year's Gathering will be here in Houston!  I'm so excited to help in any way to ensure it is a fun, informative and great event!!

Pete and Kevin, our fearless leaders and founders.

When the weekend finally came to an end it was difficult to say goodbye to everyone, wishing we had more time to spend together!  The people that are a part of this support system are some of the most wonderful and inspiring people I've ever known in my life!

Well, I got back to Houston to some bad news.  My sister's dog Joxer had taken a turn for the worst.  We believe he had a stroke and was not well at all.  We knew he wasn't going to live long.  He had a brain tumor and was on a lot of medications to control his seizures.  It was so sad seeing him like that.  Paul spent the last night with Joxer sleeping beside him on the floor.  The next day they took him to the vet to put him at rest.  It has been very emotional here in the house and there is an empty space here now...  Then a few weeks later my cat Mocha started feeling bad.  She was quite old and just started going downhill.  Not eating much.  One day she got outside in the back yard.  I thought she just wanted to lay in the sun.  Well, an hour later, I could not find her anywhere.  I finally found her in the corner of the yard laying on her side.  I thought she had passed but she was still alive.  I brought her in and made a comfortable bed for her on the floor.  She slept through the night but passed away in the morning.  I didn't realize how attached I was to that cranky 'ol cat!  I cried my eyes out...  We become so attached to our furry friends, and it's so, so difficult when they pass!

On a different subject, Spring is here and my sister and I have been busy working on the back yard.  We've given the really hard work to Paul to complete!  LOL!  Anyway, the yard is looking really good.  We have some more things to accomplish and then we want to have a nice barbecue with friends.  I can't wait to get working on the rest!

As far as my local support system with Arthritis Introspective, I've been getting things started.  I have a Facebook page started.  Just look up Arthritis Introspective - Houston Support System.   I dropped off some flyers at my rheumatologist's office.  Kevin is sending more flyers and my business cards.  When I get those, I'll canvass local businesses and doctors' offices to see if I can leave flyers at their establishments.   I should have a link to my local group on the AI website soon too.  

www.arthritisintrospective.org

Once we get a few more members, we will have our first get-together.  Then we'll get started on a fundraiser!  So if you know anyone in the Houston area with arthritis, send them my way!  I want to make this a fabulous and helpful support system for the Houston area.  We sure need one!   Kevin is coming into town next month on his cross country motorcycle ride.  So I'm hoping to get together with him and Vince to talk about plans for the Gathering in Houston next year.

As far as my health has been going...  I was doing quite well after my first couple of Actemra infusions.  Then I got a bad upper respiratory infection and had to skip an infusion and take a dose of antibiotics.  I got back to my infusions and started feeling well again until a couple of weeks ago.  The breakthrough pain is starting back up.  My knees have swollen again, my feet hurt, my wrists and elbows are bad also.  I am so disappointed!  I thought I had finally found THE treatment for me!  Well, I had an infusion yesterday and they upped my dose from 4mg to 8mg.  So I'm keeping the faith that it will work!  Unfortunately, I felt absolutely horrible last night.  Having to use joint splints and lots of Biofreeze which I haven't had to do in quite awhile...

Me and Joan!

So things have been a mix of ups and downs the past few months.  Some sadness and happiness.  Highs and lows.  It's all a part of life, but I'm trying more and more to look at the positive, and not let outside influences ruin the peace that I try to have in my heart and spirit.  I am looking forward to my future for the first time in a long time.  I'm really looking forward to working on the support system and hopefully going to Washington D.C. again this fall to do some advocacy work.  I want to sneak in a visit to my fantastic friend Joan in New York too!  She's having surgery on her foot at the beginning of the month (complications from RA of course).  So keep her in your thoughts.  Another of my friends Michelle G is having a very rough time also and may be going back to have her hip surgery fixed.  Ugh!  RA is a horrible disease and the things it does to our bodies when many of us our so young is sometimes incomprehensible.  I wish them both the best and hope they heal quickly.  I'm not much of a praying person, but I care deeply and believe in healing energy! 

A shout out to everyone that worked so hard to pull together the G4 convention!  I had a blast as I'm sure everyone else did also!  I appreciate all the hard work, time, energy, and yes probably pain you each went through to put on a great event.  Thanks so much for the inspiration to change my life for the better and to try to help others more in the future.  Kudos to all of you!

Take care everyone and let me know what's going on in your lives too!

Changes

Yes, I have been gone for a long time.  So many changes have been happening, most for the better.  I hope to write a nice long blog later tonight or tomorrow about everything that has been going on the past couple of months.

I am excited about the future, my growth, and my outlook of the world around me.  So please check back in the next day or so to see what's been going on!